Warehouse Rumble (#183) is not a good Hardy Boys story. The plot is slight, the investigation is absent, and the boys lack all initiative. Most of the supporting cast isn’t around; Iola and Callie would rather be working at a food bank than oohing and ahing over their boyfrirend’s booboos, and the rest of the chums are off doing those quirky things Bayport teens are always doing (building ice boats, inheriting a curio shop, etc.). The rest of the Hardy clan is somewhere nearby but rarely appear, like good servants or bad waiters. Chet brings in a new character, though, a girl who is a friend: a redhead named Daphne Soesbee, who is absolutely nothing like Scooby-Doo’s Daphne Blake, in that she is not clumsy.
Frank, Joe, Daphne, and Chet compete on a reality show named, unsurprisingly, “Warehouse Rumble.” Most of the book focuses on the competition, which sounds surprisingly fun: two-person teams compete on indoor obstacle courses that are decorated with a post-apocalyptic theme. The kids wander through mazes, run across catwalks, shoot targets with a laser gun … if the warehouse wasn’t going to be knocked down after the show, the owner could charge admission and make a lot of money, I think.
Frank and Joe do well on the show, although — shockingly — Daphne and Chet do better. For most people, doing well on a network reality show would rank as one of their coolest accomplishments. And that’s even if you compared them to more commonplace, but still important, milestones: raising kids, finding and loving a spouse, working fulfilling jobs. But with Frank and Joe, a reality show appearance wouldn’t even rank in the top ten coolest life events.
Which made me ask myself, “What are the ten coolest things that have happened to Frank and Joe?” When that question is asked on the Internet, a top-10 list must soon appear. Today, I’ll post #10 through 6; in two weeks, I’ll finish it off with the top 5.
10. Christmas on Cabin Island. Spending Christmas break on an island in Barmet Bay is a low-key adventure, but that’s what makes it so remarkable. Children were never going to investigate the dangerous, thrilling corners of the underworld the Hardys touched upon. That sort of adventure just wasn’t in the cards. It was, however, just possible that they could convince their parents to let them spend a school vacation with a couple of friends on a small, local island where no one else lived, as the Hardys did in The Mystery of Cabin Island (#8).
They travel over the frozen bay on ice boats; the frozen bay isolates them, giving them a feeling of independence, and their ice boats allow them to navigate the ice in a way few others can. They stay in a cabin untroubled by the rules of adults: they decide when to eat, what to eat, and when to sleep. They tramp around in the snow all day, and there’s no one around to tell warn them about firearm safety or hover over them. (Someone should do that with Chet, though. He’s horrible with firearm safety.) They control everything they behold.
Of course there’s a mystery, which involves a code, missing stamps, and some pushy bullies. That’s beside the point. A week on Cabin Island is the real thrill.
9. Pilot’s licenses. Flying was a luxury in 1930, when Frank and Joe solved The Great Airport Mystery (#9). That story marked the first time the boys flew, stowing away on the plane of a villainous pilot. In The Mark on the Door (#13), they fly for the first time as legitimate passengers, heading south to tracking down a runaway witness in Mexico. After that, using airplanes to get around becomes common for Frank and Joe, and it was inevitable they would learn how to fly themselves.
In The Mystery of the Flying Express (#20) — an awful book in most respects — Frank is allowed to fly a small plane under supervision. In 1945’s The Short-Wave Mystery (#24), Frank and Joe both are instructed on the fine points of flight by a pilot named Stewart. Unusually for the series, the progression from “interested in becoming pilots” to licensed pilots looks well thought out. The Secret of Wildcat Swamp (#31) mentions they have flown with Jack Wayne, Fenton’s private pilot, “many times before.” In The Ghost at Skeleton Rock (#37), they’re learning to fly from Jack, and both brothers make an emergency landing. Both have become “expert” pilots under Jack’s teaching in The Mystery at Devil’s Paw (#38), and they get their pilot’s licenses in The Mystery of the Chinese Junk (#39).
Not content with mere pilot’s licenses — because Frank and Joe aren’t content with anything, really — they are licensed for float planes in The Viking Symbol Mystery (#42), and they have flown helicopters by The Stone Idol (#65). Because their father is rich and owns his own plane, that means Frank and Joe can fly anywhere they want, whenever they want.
8. Looting Guatemala. In The Clue of the Embers (#35), Frank, Joe, Chet, and Tony head to the fictional mythical realm of Texichapi, part of the real modern nation of Guatemala. Using medallions owned by Tony’s late Uncle Roberto, the Hardys and their chums discover a lost city of gold. Sure, they’re captured by the also-fictional Kulkul tribe, and Tony gets tortured for a bit. But it’s all in the service of adventure!
The Hardys turn the city and its artifacts over to the government of Guatemala. In return, the president gives them a letter of congratulations and first pick of the loot — as presidents traditionally do for foreign interlopers who stumble upon priceless bits of their nation’s history. Archaeologists assume this rule will hold, unless told otherwise: most artifacts go to museums, but the discoverers get to keep one or two valuable knickknacks that take their fancy. In this case, Chet chooses a “large, jeweled bowl.” Tony takes an “ancient, gold-encrusted bow and arrow.” The Hardy Boys think of others when they loot priceless antiquities; it’s what makes them better people than most of us. Frank picks up a “delicately carved bracelet of gold” for his mother, while Joe selects a small golden idol for Aunt Gertrude.
At that point, Indiana Jones shows up, shouting, “That belongs in a museum!” Or maybe that’s just what happened in my head.
7. Become mighty capitalists. In The Mystery of the Chinese Junk (#39), Frank, Joe, Chet, Tony, Biff, Phil, and Jim Foy buy a Chinese junk. The boys are not just admirers of traditional Chinese transportation; they purchased the ship as an investment. As a summer job, they want to run a ferry service to Rocky Isle, a nearby picnic spot, and they think the unusual boat will serve as an advertisement and an inducement to use their service.
Frank and Joe can engage in no activity that won’t lead to a mystery, though. (I’m sure the boys have stumbled upon mysteries while raiding the fridge in the middle of the night: The Mystery of Who Took the Last Piece of Apple Pie, perhaps.) Of course criminals want the junk, named the Hai-Hau. The criminals had stolen the ship to smuggle goods into America before the Hardys et al. bought it. Why do the criminals want the Hai-Hau back? Because a treasure map, giving the location of blue amber mines, is hidden aboard, and Tony accidentally discovers it. After the criminals are arrested, the teens receive a reward for finding the map: a 10 percent interest in the blue amber mines, split among the seven boys.
Is the ownership in the mines worth anything? Who knows? None of the boys ever mention it again, but they wouldn’t; no one wants to be the target of high-school moochers. The mines would explain why they are always flush with cash, though. And it amuses me to think of Jim Foy, who appeared in only this mystery, retiring from boy adventuring on the proceeds.
6. Regime change on Barracuda Island. In The Twisted Claw (#18), Frank and Joe infiltrate a pirate ship. A pirate ship, in 1939! While posing as common sailors, they discover their ship, the Black Parrot, and a fleet of other ships (many with “Parrot” in their names) are part of a worldwide smuggling organization. Hey, it’s not piracy, but given that traveling on the open Atlantic would become extremely hazardous in just a year, it’s still pretty daring.
The “pirate” ring, a descendent of a 19th-century pirate fleet, is based on Barracuda Island, which is claimed by no foreign nation, populated by relatively quiescent natives, and ruled by a self-proclaimed king. After the yearly gathering of the pirate fleet, where the captains report to the king and split the spoils, Frank and Joe incite a mutiny on the Black Parrot at sea and get off a radio signal to their father. He arrives in a U.S. revenue cutter, which subdues the ship; the U.S. Navy sends in a fleet of warships to seize the island.
Welcome to the American empire, Barracuda Island! Hope your natives enjoy the experience as much as the natives of all other territories who have hosted the American soldiers!
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